


All We Do (is think about the feelings that we hide)

by HeartInTheEye



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Student/Teacher, Catholic School, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2019-04-19 05:25:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14230248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartInTheEye/pseuds/HeartInTheEye
Summary: Ben just wants to graduate high school and never look back, but the arrival of a new teacher complicates things.*A Catholic Highschool AU





	All We Do (is think about the feelings that we hide)

Ben woke up with a sense of dread. It wasn’t unusual, but at least this time he had a reason. He got up and looked in the mirror. The bags under his eyes were garish and purple, bruised with a lack of sleep; anxiety had kept him awake until the early hours of the morning and it showed. The scar on his cheek, he ignored. Angry and red four months ago, it had faded somewhat to a shiny pink, but it was still right there in the middle of his face. For everyone to see. He sighed and wondered if he could convince his mom to let him skip.

“Ben, are you up?” she shouted from downstairs, as if she could sense his hesitation.

“Yeah” he called. _280 days,_ he thought, _280 days and you’re free._

“Are you having breakfast?” she asked, as if she would let him leave without having something. 

“I’ll be down in a minute.”

He turned to the wardrobe. The night before his mother had hung his stifling uniform on the outside and it had haunted him like some straight-laced demon the entire night. With every item on, he felt the nervousness rise in his throat like bile, piece by piece constricting him until finally, the noose around his neck in the form of a tie. He didn’t look in the mirror before heading downstairs.

When he reached the kitchen, he saw his mother leaning against the counter. She was dressed smartly, one of her many tailored two-piece suits, and in one hand she held a large mug of coffee- the other preoccupied with her phone.

“Well just move the meeting to twelve.” She waved at Ben as he walked in and motioned to the table where she’d already laid out a bowl for him. He listened to her as he filled it with cereal and milk and started eating.

“If the representative cares that much, don’t you think he’ll make the time?” she asked, pausing for the person on the phone to answer, probably her newest in a long line of personal assistants.

 “Exactly. I’ll see you at nine.” She ended the call and turned to look at him. He could feel her penetrating gaze and didn’t want to meet it.

“First day back” she said.

“Mmm” he replied, still looking at his cereal. There was a long pause. He knew what was coming.

“Ben- this year. I want you to… try.”

He had to look up then. Her eyes were firm, the way she when she made her speeches at the town hall. He hated that she would turn it on him.

“Mom I-” he started, but she interrupted him.

“Last year was difficult for all of us. Your Dad leaving so suddenly it… I can see _why_ you would want to rebel but” she stopped mid-sentence, gesturing as if she was trying to catch the words in the air. Instead she came to sit at the table across from him. “I only want what’s best. For you. College applications start in a few months.”

“I know” he said, unsurprised by how small his voice sounded.  

“Good.” He thought she might reach out and touch him, but instead she got up then, filling her to-go cup with more coffee.

“I’m dropping you off early this morning. Your Uncle wants to speak to you.” Ben’s head snapped up, but his mother hadn’t turned.

“Why?” he asked, but she still didn’t turn, just sighed into her coffee cup.

“He was the one who defended you after what happened- he just wants to make sure everything is going to be fine this year. He is the principal. And Ben, he cares about you.”

Ben didn’t need reminding.

“Ok” he said, even quieter.

*

He hadn’t been near St Jocasta’s Catholic School for Boys and Girls in over four months, and yet it’s eerily familiar aura captured him almost immediately; even though the school was almost void of students this early in the morning. He could see a few classmates milling around, but not the crowds of boisterous students that would burst through the gates in around half an hour. As much as a meeting with his Uncle Luke sounded awful, Ben was glad to avoid the stares of the other students.

His mother stopped the car just outside of the front office, and Ben resisted the urge to jump straight out.

“Ben?” she asked quietly. He looked over at her and almost winced. He was suddenly hit with the memory of how her face looked the same way, over four months ago in the very office he was about to enter. She had looked so sad then.

“I’m fine, Mom.” Ben forced a smile, even when they both knew it was insincere and she nodded to herself.

“See you tonight, then” she said.

He got out of the car walked towards the office until he heard his mother drive away and stopped. _280 days_ he repeated in his head.

When he walked through the double doors the receptionist was missing, so he headed towards his uncle’s office. As he made his way down the corridor, towards the office door, it opened, and Rey stepped out. Ben watched as they talked quietly, his hand on her shoulder. He smiled softly at her before patting her arm and she turned to walk away. That’s when they both spotted Ben.

“Ben!” Luke greeted him with a wave. Ben gave polite nod and carried on towards the office. When he passed Rey, he didn’t look her in the eye.

“Come in” Luke said, gesturing to the sofa. Ben suppressed a groan, he’d wanted the distance of the desk between them. 

“Your Mom seemed worried when I spoke to her yesterday, Ben. I just want to- touch base.”

“This year is a new start for you. The school doesn’t hold grudges, we know that you made mistakes, but your summer grades have more than proved you’re willing and capable to make up for what happened.” Luke stopped for a moment, holding Ben’s gaze. He tried not to look away, but he could barely manage his Uncle’s scrutiny for a few seconds.

“I just want you to know that you can feel- _comfortable_ being back.”

What was Ben supposed to say? Yes, he was fine coming back to school, dealing with the stares, the whispers. It was great that his friends hadn’t spoken to him in months, that they probably hated him now. Everything was just great.

He was obviously taking too long to reply because Luke sighed sadly in his direction.

“I think Rey has missed talking to you too.”  

Luke’s hand reaches out, as if to touch. Ben flinches away. His friends hadn’t called or texted the whole summer, and Luke had completely ended the tradition of bringing Rey over for Sunday dinners. He knew he deserved it. After what he said- he wouldn’t want to be his friend- or cousin- either.

“I’m sure she forgives you” Luke said, breaking the silence. 

“Thanks” Ben replied, quiet and small. He stood up, hoping Luke would let him leave. Hs uncle seemed to consider it but ended up standing along with Ben.

“I’ll see you soon. And remember, if you have any issues, you can talk to me.” Luke smiled, but he didn’t make the effort to return it. He just nodded and headed out.

When he left the office, the receptionist was in her place at the entrance desk. She viewed Ben with judgment, barely hiding the disdain. _Should probably get used to it_ , he thought. He had. He had around twenty minutes before the masses would start to arrive and he could head to homeroom, but until then, he decided to sit outside. The less time he had to spend in the confines of Jocasta’s, the better.

There were benches strew across the entrance courtyard, and Ben picked the one closest to the building. It gave him a good view of the front gate and the car park and enough time to escape if anyone made him a beeline from there to try and talk to him. He didn’t suppose anyone would though.

He was only sat for five minutes when something other than a few more of the early students caught his eye. A red, vintage convertible pulled up and parked in the teachers parking area. It was a beautiful thing, grand and sleek, and highly polished. Ben tried to think of which stuffy teacher at Jocasta’s would drive such a beautiful car, but none came to mind.

He shouldn’t have been surprised when he didn’t recognise the man that stepped out. Tall and slim with striking red hair, he wore a fitted grey suit and a black overcoat. It was almost like he’d stepped off the pages of a magazine. He was coifed and poised, perfected to the nth degree; mesmerising. In fact, so much so that Ben hadn’t even noticed the man’s approach until he was only a few feet away. When he did, his brain went into red alert. His mouth went dry, palms sweating, eyes widening. Waiting for the inevitable strike.

“Could you point me to the main office?” the handsome stranger asked, and Ben almost died because his accent was British: clipped and authoritative. Ben wondered, half-manically, if anyone else had popped a boner whilst being asked for directions before. Then he realised he had to answer. 

“Uh- it’s a- j-just through there.” he said, pointing behind him to the main entrance, cursing himself for stammering. The man was quiet for a moment then smiled.

“You know, I think it’s convention to call your teachers Sir. Am I correct?”

Ben’s eyes widened.

“Y-yes, sorry Sir” Ben apologised instantly. The man’s smile widened.

“Good. It’s nice to see a school with polite young men. You don’t find it often these days.”

Ben didn’t reply, just nodded along with what he was saying.

“I’m Mr Hux” the man said. He held out his hand towards Ben, and it took Ben a second to realise he was for Ben to shake it. “I’m replacing Mr Goldsmith as the new history teacher.”

Ben reached out and shook Mr Hux’s hand quickly before letting go, wanting to cover up just how clammy his hands were.

“I’m Ben” he said, then added “Organa-Solo.”

One of Mr Hux’s eyebrows arched, and Ben’s stomach dropped. How far had the rumours spread?

“The mayor’s son? Your mother is a good woman. She’s done a lot for the city.”

Ben resisted the urge to sigh with relief, whilst he pushed the lurking thoughts in the back of his mind about why he cared so much what this one new teacher thought.

“Thank you, Sir” Ben replied, giving an awkward smile. Mr Hux nodded, smiling again, making Ben’s stomach flutter.

“Well, I better be heading inside. I’ll be seeing you, Ben.” And with that, Mr Hux was gone. Ben waited 15 seconds before breathing out and dropping his head into his hands.

“Shit” he whispered to himself. Ben had spent the last year, among other things, dealing with his burgeoning sexuality. He hadn’t told anyone, not his friends or his mother, that he was probably (definitely) gay; not after everything else that had happened. Half because he didn’t want to bother them with yet another one of his _problems_ , half because he really wasn’t sure how they would react. All that Ben knew was that he wasn’t coming out any time soon, not at catholic school.

Eventually Ben stood up and headed inside for homeroom. He had bigger issues to deal with right now than crushing on the new history teacher.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Fic Title- Drive by Halsey 
> 
> Hi hello writing is a thing what ?  
> Comments and critiques welcome


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